Let’s be honest, we all do stupid things. And unless we’re teenage boys out on a Friday night with nothing to do, our intentions most likely were not to do that stupid act.
I remember when I was a teenager. I had a 1984 Camaro my parents bought new and then gave to me as a 16-year-old. It’s never a good thing to give a 16-year old, whose brain isn’t fully developed, a Camaro. One of my parents’ rules was not to allow anybody else to drive the car.
My girlfriend at the time, who lived less than a mile from the high school, had her car in the shop. Since I had wrestling practice after school, and it was raining, she asked if she could borrow my car to drive home.
Now remember, this was the 90s. I didn’t have a cell phone. Calling my parents to ask permission wasn’t possible. Besides, it was less than a mile. Not a big deal.
Unless, of course, you grew up in a small town—where everybody knows you—and that bright white Camaro driving through town is as famous as Justin Bieber drag racing in a canary yellow Lamborghini.
Needless to say, when I got home that night after practice, I was in trouble. Big trouble. (I still don’t know to this day how my parents found out.)
Now parents, put yourself in my parents’ position. Your 16-year-old just disobeyed you by allowing somebody else to drive their car. What’s your initial response? Pretty fired up, right?
Blatant disobedience. Lack of respect for authority.
#cantfollowtherules
Okay, so hashtags were properly referred to as the ‘pound sign’ back in the day. But you get the point.
How would you respond to your child in this moment? Be honest.
Allow me to turn this conversation around a minute and look at it through my 16-year-old eyes. My underlying motivation wasn’t to blatantly disobey my parents. My underlying motivation was to help my girlfriend. Besides, I didn’t want her to think I didn’t trust her with my car.
For me, in the moment, those factors were more important than disobeying my parents. My relationship and reputation with my girlfriend trumped a rule I thought I was barely breaking.
Your Kids and Technology
The teenage years are ripe for identity development and figuring out where we fit in the pecking order of our cultural mores. And wow, have things changed.
Today, social media has become the primary “hang out” for figuring out this social order. You hung out at the mall; your teenager hangs out on social media. In many respects, their underlying motivation is simply the desire to be with their friends and find their place in the world around them.
So when your kids disobey or fight back on rules you set concerning technology, don’t immediately assume the worst about them. Consider that the underlying motivation of your kids may have more to do with their perceived reputation with their friends and fear of losing social status than purposely disobeying you.
Being a teenager has gotten much more complicated. And our kids need a reasonable and safe place to land.
Paul, in Philippians 4 writes, “Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.” When you think about setting limits with your children, teenagers, and even yourself, think about it in the context of that word reasonableness.
The Greek word for reasonableness in this verse refers to an attitude of seeking the best for other people.
As you think about this in regard to setting parental limits on technology, consider how reasonable you’re being with your teenager.
First, don’t immediately assume the worst about them, that they perhaps blatantly disrespected you. (If they did, that’s another matter entirely). Second, be open enough to consider their underlying motivation.
As you maintain reasonableness in your rule setting—seeking what’s best for your teens spiritually and relationally—the technology issue becomes an ongoing conversation about so much more than technology.
[email protected] says
This is a great article but I feel it’s a bit on the liberal side. To start, a good question to ask is, “how reasonable is it to let a 16 year old have a girlfriend, who’s brain, quote: ‘isn’t fully developed’. It’s like the parents want the child to live up to the whole “backseat with girlfriend in a Camaro” stereotype. I understand that parents should be reasonable with their limitations but assuming that our kids are safe in this world is long overdue. We know how this world will end: it’ll be burned due to its wickedness. It will be burned because our world is failing to raise godly children. Adequate parent filtration is of outmost importance today. If we talk about being reasonable, the question should always be, “with respect to what”? By our kids standards, we’ll never be reasonable, because all they desire is to be limitless. It is more important to look to Gods standards when we’re deciding what is reasonable. His standards are very conservative and hard to follow at times, but they do reward eternal life. Assuming our kids will make positive decisions with temptations such as a Camaro or girlfriend at a young age is absurd. Don’t give your child a gun and forbid him to fire it; then when he fires it, question why he fired it. The answer is simple: you, the parent, gave him the gun, that’s why he fired it. It is more important to filter the things we allow our children to have, rather than question their motives when they interact with those things.
[email protected] says
Max,
Thanks for your comment. You certainly make a lot of good points. The reality is we’re dealing today with parents who are allowing kids with phones before the age of 10. You’re right, limits need to be put in place.
That’s why I believe the word, “reasonable” is so important here. The Greek word for “reasonable” in Philippians 4 is crucial to maintaining community and is “a disposition of seeking the best for everyone, not just oneself.” So when you ask, “reasonable in respect to what,” to me it’s in respect to the Gospels and in respect to seeking what’s best for everyone–an others-centeredness, if you will. Of course, this is first taught and modeled by the parents and passed onto the kids.