Published by Thriving Family Magazine

Were you ever bullied on the playground? Or called names by the neighbor kid? Do you have an annoying co-worker? A friend (or spouse) who pushes your buttons?

As a kid, I’ll never forget my mom admonishing me, “Josh, kill them with kindness.”

But what does this mean? The motive behind it sounds harsh, but a further look at how we treat those who test our patience may help us understand kindness in a new way. In Romans 2:4, Paul writes that “God’s kindness leads you toward repentance.”

We rarely experience selfless acts. In fact, kindness is quite unnatural. When we have been hurt, we tend to react in hurt (Eph. 4:31). But kindness is just the opposite. It leads us to extend love and forgiveness, even (and perhaps, especially) when we’ve been hurt (Eph. 4:32).

Kindness is when your child, though treated badly by a friend or sibling, still shares gummy bears at snack time.

Kindness is when you as a parent, though your child refuses to share, choose not to react out of anger.

The Greek root for kindness (Gal. 5:22) means uprightness, or benevolence, and describes the ability to act for the welfare of those taxing our patience. Remember the last time someone taxed your patience?

One clear example of kindness in Scripture is the parable of the Good Samaritan, who not only stopped to help the half-dead Jewish man, but also paid for his care (Luke 10:25-37).

This same word is also used to describe God’s unfathomable kindness to unbelievers, a kindness to those who didn’t love Him; a kindness that expects nothing in return (Romans 2:4, 11:22; Ephesians 2:7; Titus 3:4). Picture Jesus on the cross, kindly praying for the soldiers murdering Him (Luke 23:34).

But kindness by itself is insufficient. In Galatians 5, Paul speaks about the fruit of the Spirit not as a list of isolated character traits, but as one thing. That’s because one quality without the others is counterfeit.

Goodness without kindness can be legalistic. Kindness without goodness can tolerate sin. We show the pure fruit of the Spirit only as we take time to develop these qualities together.

The Good Samaritan did not help in order to earn his way to heaven. The goodness he showed sprung from the kindness within his heart—concern for the Jewish man’s wellbeing, despite his own personal expense.

Instilling kindness and goodness in our children begins when we model loving behavior, even when they test our patience—an unnatural act that comes supernaturally through the Spirit.

To read the full article on Thriving Family Magazine website please click here.

Key Points

• Kindness is the ability to act for the welfare of those who test our patience.

• Kindness is grounded first in love, and expects nothing in return for the good it produces.

• We show the pure fruit of the Spirit only as we take time to develop these qualities together.

Scripture Study

For a more in-depth look at kindness, read these Bible passages:

Romans 2:4

Romans 11:22

2 Corinthians 6:6

Ephesians 2:7

Colossians 3:12

Family Memory Verse

Titus 3:4-5a

“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we have done, but because of his mercy.”

Published by Thriving Family Magazine

Growing up, my sister and I often went to our grandmother’s house for sleepovers. As our parents dropped us off, they would threaten us with that infamous warning, “Now you kids be good, do you hear?”

How often have you said that as a parent? Right before you offer up that desperate prayer that your children won’t embarrass you. Again.

As a pastor and counselor, I see parents try anything to get their children to “be good.” One of the most common tools parents use is to punish bad behavior and reward good. But is this really enough to instill in our children the “goodness” described as a fruit of the Spirit? (Gal. 5:22)

A rich young ruler once asked of Jesus a similar question: “Good teacher, what good things must I do to inherit eternal life?” (Matt. 19:16; Mark 10:17).

Jesus’ reply is fascinating, “Why do you call me good? No one is good—except God alone” (Mark 10:18). The young ruler had followed all of God’s commandments, yet it wasn’t enough. Jesus told him, “Go sell everything and follow Me” (Mark 10:21).

In his question, the rich young ruler asks how to do good, using a Greek word referring to moral behavior. However, the “goodness” described as a fruit of the Spirit means much more. True goodness is “excellence of character.” It combines our attempts to “do good” with God’s character of “being good.” This kind of goodness is not attainable in our own strength, so Peter encourages us, by God’s divine power, to make every effort to add to our faith goodness (2 Peter 1:5).

This means that teaching our children to just “do good” can look very much like legalism—especially when we only reward them for good behavior. The rich young ruler was trying to do good to earn his way into heaven, yet he was lacking the most important thing—an underlying love for the Rule-Maker. This love is what compels us to follow the rules in the first place (2 Cor 5:14).

Though we can try to make our kids do good, the only way for them to be good is to first develop a relationship of love with us as parents and rule-makers. Josh McDowell agrees that rules without relationship leads to rebellion, but rules with relationship leads to respect.

Goodness begins by obeying and modeling the greatest commandment of all—loving our Rule-Maker with all our heart, soul, and strength. Goodness is love in action.

 To read the full article on Thriving Family Magazine website please click here.

Key Points

• Goodness is not merely moral behavior, but also excellence of character.

• Goodness begins with a love relationship with our Rule-Maker.

• Adding goodness to our faith answers Jesus’ call to “Follow Me”.

Scripture Study

For a more in-depth look at goodness, read these Bible passages:

2 Peter 1:5

Mark 10:17-18

Deuteronomy 6:5-9

Ephesians 5:8-10

2 Thessalonians 1:11

Family Memory Verse

2 Peter 1:3

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.”

For those of you at the NHOH Intensive Counseling Training during January 2012, here are the links to the powerpoint slides used throughout the week. You are all a blessing!

Please click on each of the titles below to download the powerpoint.

St. John of the Cross

CRAVING INTERVENTION

blended families

Millennial Generation How’m I Doing

Recovery Message

Click here for your free download of the TwoIgnite app for the iPhone or iPad. 

TwoIgnite exists to improve marriages by helping couples have fun together with other couples doing the things that they enjoy most. Having a great marriage can be a lot of work, but it should be a lot of fun too. After all, that’s how most marriages start out—having fun together. But over time that sense of fun can slip away. It’s all too easy to get focused on work and kids and the business of life.

TwoIgnite is about enjoying life together. Whether it’s a comedy night that reminds us to take the time to laugh together or a gym membership giveaway that encourages a couples to get healthier—it’s about putting principles into practice and making it a fun, community event in the process.

Josh and his wife Christi recently made a move across the country. Josh is now the Executive Pastor of Family Ministries at WoodlandHills Family Church (www.woodhills.org) and the Executive Director of TwoIgnite (www.twoignite.com). Please pray for Josh and Christi in this transition and their upcoming new season together in Branson, MO!

Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Joshua Straub presented on God Attachment: Why Clients Believe, Act, and Feel the Way they Do About God at the 2011 AACC World Conference. Please click here for  the God Attachment preconference workshop presentation.

Here is the presentation Josh gave at the 2011 AACC World Conference on September 29th, 2011. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask. Please click here to download presentation: Will I ever be normal again?    

I have been thinking commonly about the glory of God. As I question my purpose and reason for living, I have come to the conclusion based on the Bible that I exist to glorify God–solely. So that’s what I do. I try to live my life in a way that glorifies God. Before I depart each morning I pray over my wife, Christi, that God would teach us His ways, make us aware of His presence in our lives that we could walk in it, and all for His glory.

But my thoughts this evening stem from a conversation I had with my friend Shawn this past weekend. He too is poring over the glory of God. Our dialogue led me to consider what I am really praying when I ask for God’s glory in the life of my family. Do I actually know what I am living for? What is God’s glory? And am I honestly seeking it in everything I do? With everything I have?

I have a number of thoughts on this and will be writing about them in the coming weeks. For now, I want to pose a question that is haunting me: When we say we are living for something, that “something” that we believe we are living for should be the sole motivation of our lives and consume the majority of our thoughts, right? Yet, I am finding this to not be true in my life. The majority of my thoughts have more to do with me and my circumstances than they do about God.

Have you reflected on your purpose in life? If God were to “search your thoughts” (Psalm 139:23) would they align with what you say you are living for?

I haven’t blogged recently but have felt an increasing desire and nudging of late to do so. Perhaps because of a life story I cannot seem to get out of my head.

Let me explain. As we go about our daily lives we interact with different people on many relational levels, from spouses, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers, neighbors, teachers, and even acquaintances. Some of these people we tend to gravitate to more than others–people we admire so much that we keep going back to them for advice, friendship, or simply to spend time.

What’s really special about life are the days it seems God reaches down from Heaven and gives you a gift. Days where we have the fortunate opportunity of meeting somebody new, an experience that may come and go as a once in a lifetime meeting, or one whereby we come to know that person on a more intimate, lasting level. Either way, you can’t help but to remember them. Those for whom it matters not how much time has passed since you’ve seen them, but the feeling of connection and respect you have for them when you do.

In either case, these new introductions in someway lead to such beautiful moments in time, and priceless memories with that person, that they leave an imprint on our hearts, a lasting impression that seems to change who we are, and how we view the world.

My lasting impression is Grandpa Andy.

When my wife Christi and I first started dating we naturally talked about our respective families and the impact they have had on our lives. As our relationship progressed I could tell how incredibly fond she was of her grandparents on both sides of her family. And though I won’t get to meet her paternal grandfather until I see him in heaven, I have had the privilege of occasional, yet unforgettable moments with her maternal grandfather, Grandpa Andy.

When I first met Grandpa, he and Grandma took us for a small tour around their house, a walk that was interrupted by the unusually cold, rainy weather near the end of May for Alisa Craig, ON. I could tell Grandpa was proud of his work, especially in the garden. What I would come to learn is that that garden had become for him a trophy of sorts, a hobby that culminated from years of hard work as one of the most successful farmers in Canada during his lifetime. A man who once held the title of General Manager of the prestigious Royal Agricultural Winter Fair in Toronto, the largest combined indoor agricultural fair and international equestrian competition in the world. A position in which he entertained the likes of Princess Anne, Nancy Reagan, Canadian politicians, and other British royalty.

As the weather led us back inside their beautiful home, it didn’t take long to realize that beyond his life accomplishments lay a concern for others that’s exceptionally rare. As we sat in his living room, me on the recliner, and he and Grandma on the couch across from me, (Grandma and Christi were having a side conversation as I recall), he inquisitively asked me questions about my life, not as if he were to decide whether this relationship should go on, but with a genuine concern for who I was. The longer we sat there the more pride welled within him. I began to immediately feel like his own grandson.

Since that first meeting I have gotten to know Grandpa better. I get the sense he’s one of those grandfathers who brags on his children and grandchildren all of the time. Just as I write this I picture in my mind his bright smiling face lighting up the room as everyone walks through the door to greet him. His concern and love for his family is truly defined by gentleness and compassion. It seems to be a symbol for him of true success. I once heard it said that all that matters in life is who you loved and who loved you. If that’s true Grandpa Andy has reason to smile–he is leaving behind quite a legacy.

I’ll never forget when Christi asked me what I thought of getting married near her grandparent’s 60th Anniversary.

“Josh, they have such an amazing marriage and I think it would be so great to honor them at our wedding.” What does a groom-to-be say to that? 60 years?

Christi later told me that she never heard Grandpa say one bad thing to or about  Grandma, or did she ever hear of him speaking down to her either. It doesn’t surprise me. Grandpa Andy has one of the most gentle, yet strong personalities you’ll ever encounter–a combination of true leadership and love.

On our wedding day, it was this very character and passion that Christi and I formally proclaimed that we longed for in our own marriage. Grandma and Grandpa’s faithfulness to one another was honored that night as Christi gave her bouquet to Grandma and we led them onto the dance floor for an old song they used to enjoy together in their college years; a song fitfully titled, Let the Rest of the World Go By. The gaze of Grandpa’s eyes and the look on his face that evening as he led his beautiful bride around the dance floor said it all. Six decades from now, I want that too.

The love for his wife wouldn’t be stated quite as well if I didn’t include at least one more memorable moment from earlier that same day. As everyone was entering the reception hall, Grandpa Andy stood with my stepdad Mike watching us take pictures with other family members. Creating small talk, my stepdad nodded toward Christi and said to Andy, “She sure looks beautiful doesn’t she?” Without missing a beat Grandpa  Andy pointed to Grandma and said, “Yeah, but this woman right here’s pretty hot too.”

Mike couldn’t wait to later tell me about that precious moment the two of them shared together that day. Fortunately, when we got our pictures back, our photographer had captured it on film.

Today, Grandpa is wrestling with cancer and is currently rehabbing from a stroke he had a few weeks back. At 87 years young I’m impressed of the fight I see in him. He is a fighter, and learning about the extreme poverty he grew up in and how he overcame it, I understand why. Before we leave any visit with him he’ll shake his fist, and confidently exhort us, “Keep up the good work.” If we’re going through a hard time he’ll say, “Hang in there.”

I have learned so many things about him from my wife in the last few months. I doubt I’d learn much from him if I lived closer. I’d probably take him for granted. That or he would be asking me all of the questions anyway because that’s just who he is.

In a recent visit with him on Good Friday, we were reviewing pictures together of our wedding last June. As we finished, Grandpa Andy was staring through the wall. It was clear he was deep into memories of long ago. Tears began to well up within him. After a few seconds of sharing this moment, I boasted, “You sure have one beautiful wife, Grandpa!”

He slowly turned his head, looked at me through his tears, and said, “I chose her!”

I hope you’re challenged today to strive to become somebody like Grandpa Andy. A man of character, faith, strength, love, compassion, hard work, and perseverance. A man who, though I’ve spent little time with, has left an imprint on who I am, and who I want to be.

As we were leaving our visit with him on Good Friday I shook my fist at him, and said “Hang in there.”

He replied, “You can count on it.”

Finding Good Love: Do Compatibility Constructs

Really Predict Marital Satisfaction?

by Dr. Joshua Straub

With a catch in her voice, I knew what was going to pour out of her. Partly because I knew her husband and always felt he was pretty mean to her.

“All I have ever wanted is for someone to love me. Is there anything wrong with that? To love me. Not be nasty to me. Not yell at me all the time. Not be like some monster. I am so tired of it all…. I just don’t want to be around him anymore. I am so confused.”

Bad Love

Like a lot of married individuals, Susie (not her real name) felt stuck in a marriage she never dreamed would become so messed up. Through tears she lifted her head and spoke those infamous words counselors and pastors have heard from the confines of their offices too many times, “I love him but I am not ‘in love’ with him. I really don’t even know who he is anymore.” Another case of “good lovin’ gone bad.”

The situation reminded me of a Family Development professor I once had. On the first day of class he stood up and said, “My wife will be the first one to admit, our first year of marriage was horrible.” He then paused, took a deep breath and corrected himself. “No. Let me rephrase that—it was hell.”

With a divorce rate pushing 50% in America, most would agree that living joyfully with the one you love all the days of your vanity (Ecclesiastes 9:9) is one tough assignment. It is particularly so when it seems that virtually everything is competing for or against love in marriage.

Does Good Love Exist?

That’s a great question. And one that many individuals spend good money on to find out. Though statistics vary, there are reportedly 89.8 million unmarried and single Americans (41% of the population) looking for good love. And where are they looking? Online, with some paying as much as $60 monthly to find the love of their lives.

With a majority of them confessing that it’s difficult to meet other singles in their own town, gone are the days of boys climbing lattices to bedroom windows. That age-old theory of attraction that says propinquity—a couple’s nearness to each other—is the least common denominator for finding romance has fallen by the wayside.

In fact, almost everyone knows more than just one someone who has used a dating Web site. Among singles looking for good love, 37% say they have gone to dating Web sites with 17% of those entering into either a long-term relationship or marriage as a result. I think those numbers may be on the light side. Moreover, most users of the services say they had a positive experience and believe the dating sites actually helped them find a better match. But is this true?

Compatibility at Your Fingertips

Do online dating sites really help in finding a better match? And if they do, is it a better match that’s going to solve our relationship problems?

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com thinks so. Having researched relationships for more than 35 years, he made it his goal to reduce the divorce rate in America to less than 10% from its current standing of 50%. Unlike any other dating site, eHarmony.com is the only one that does not allow you to search an open database for potential lovers. Instead, users are matched based on the results of a personality profile and 29 “dimensions of compatibility.”

Matching by personality is a highly effective way of getting people to have positive experiences at the beginning of a relationship. Theories of attraction tell us that we pay attention to those who are similar to us both in personality and attitudes. We tend to like those who agree with us and dislike those who do not.

What Determines Marital Satisfaction and Stability?

But what keeps relationships well? What enhances marriage—and avoids divorce—over the long run? Will 29 dimensions of compatibility help people find good love? Will finding someone who is very similar be enough to prevent pain and heartache?

The good news is that new research is looking into these important questions. For example, eHarmony.com users now average over 90 marriages a day. That’s 33,000 marriages last year alone. The 2005 eHarmony Study of Marriage in America found that “eHarmony couples have significantly happier and more successful marriages than couples who met in any other ways.” eHarmony couples also report their marriages to be “Extremely Happy” to “Perfect” notably more than non-eHarmony couples (77% versus 55%).

Unfortunately, the research is limited. eHarmony has only been in existence since 2000. What about long-term stability? Some would say attractions change. I’ll say, so do people. Will similarities couples have today hold them together tomorrow? Is compatibility really predictive of long-term marital satisfaction? Only time will tell.

Good Love in Good Times… and Bad

John Gottman, the most prominent researcher in the world on marriage, notes that “similarity is at best, a weak predictor of marital outcomes… because [it] does not tell us anything about process…. It does not tap the processes that matter in maintaining, or destroying, a marriage.”

Gottman explains, “It is generally the perception of personality differences that is related to marital unhappiness, not actual personality differences.” Studies show that happy marriages are not predicted by personality traits, per se. Instead, it is the perceived similarity between partners that is associated with marital happiness.

It is a strange phenomenon that while a relationship is strong, partners tend to perceive themselves as very similar. However, if conflict builds in the relationship, perceived personality similarities decrease! It is only when a marriage is not going well that partners perceive problems in the other’s personality.

According to Gottman, the “processes” that predict marital stability have to do with accepting influence from one’s spouse. Influence pertains to sharing power in all areas of life, including finances, raising the kids, housework, etc. Gottman maintains that if one is unable to accept influence from a spouse, it does not matter how compatible or similar they are. This is the weakness of the 29 dimensions of compatibility.

Kudos to eHarmony.com. With the recent development of eHarmony Labs, the Internet dating site is fast becoming a major force in helping couples not only get, but also stay, married. Having recruited a team of researchers from across the country, they are now testing the efficacy of their personality profile and 29 dimensions of compatibility.

However, no research to date shows similarity to be predictive of long-term marital stability and satisfaction. But it is not yet time to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It seems, in the classic language of Carl Rogers, that similarity is a necessary, but not sufficient, condition for assessing the long-term health of a marriage.

A Matter of the Heart, Also

Gottman shows that essential to the marital relationship—the process element of marriage—is the ability to share power and accept influence from one’s spouse.

May I assert, however, this requires humility… an attitude of the heart. The famous love passage in 1 Corinthians 13 describes love as patient and kind. It is not envious, proud, rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and rejoices with truth. This passage exemplifies the attitude of the heart necessary for the marital relationship to be healthy and satisfying.

Although similarity may be a factor in marital success, it is only one of many that must be understood and respected by researchers and clinicians alike. And for the eHarmony couple now living out that good marriage, they must be wary of assuming that compatibility alone will carry them through the troubled times inevitable in any marital relationship.

We know that marital satisfaction is a function of at least two significant variables: compatibility and the attitude of the heart. Especially a man or woman after God’s own heart.

Joshua Straub, Ph.D. has served on the executive staff for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) for the past five years and is an adjunct professor for the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University. Having served either as a counselor, professor, or pastor since 2000, Josh now spends his time training and speaking to Christian counselors, pastors, and lay leaders across America at AACC conferences, Acquire the Fire events, local churches, and various youth conferences. He specializes in attachment research, crisis and trauma, the Millennial generation, and on cultivating healthy relationships both with God and others. He has coauthored two books including God Attachment: Why You Believe, Act, and Feel the Way You Do About God, and The Quick Reference Guide to Counseling Teenagers. Josh is married to the love of his life, Christi.

Check out the latest review of God Attachment on thechristiancritic.net.

Click here to read the review of God Attachment.

Our Take: Your Relationship Style Determines How You Feel Toward God

By Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub, Special to CNN

A few weeks ago, Christopher Hitchens was interviewed on CNN. A renowned atheist who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, Hitchens told Anderson Cooper, “If you hear that I came to God on my death bed, don’t believe it.”

We were stunned. Why? Because a growing body of research shows that from an early age we are hardwired for a relationship with a “Transcendent One.”

For Hitchens to willfully decide that he will fight off or deny any future existential longing he may develop for God – or shut out any evidence he comes across in favor of God – is grievous.

Though it seems that America is tired of religion, we’re finding quite the opposite about a relationship with God. A recent Newsweek poll found that 91 percent of American adults claim a belief in “God”, while Time magazine reported that 85 percent identify themselves as Christian. Gallup reports that 73 percent of Americans “are convinced that God exists.”

People want more of God, not less.

Click here to continue reading…

No one likes to be excluded, but it happens often in our society. Here is valuable information to help you know how to respond to the problem of cliques. An interview with Dr. Joshua Straub. Click here for the remainder of the article.

Want to know what Josh is reading? The research he has his nose into? What he is learning and contemplating?

Keep up to date with Josh on Facebook by clicking here to join his fan page!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW JOSH ON TWITTER!

Best of In the Market with Janet Parshall is a weekly two-hour compilation of the daily program, In the Market with Janet Parshall, and airs each Saturday from 11:00 a.m. to 12:55 p.m. CT.

Drs. Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub discuss God Attachment on “Best of In the Market” with Janet Parshall.

Click here to listen.

The following is the powerpoint presentation on Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Joshua Straub’s workshop at the 2010 American Association of Christian Counselors National Conference on God Attachment: Why You Believe, Act, and Feel the Way You Do about God.

Please click here for attachment.

The following is the powerpoint presentation for the Pre-Conference workshop at the 2010 AACC National Conference in Branson on Attachments, Neurobiology, and Relationships: New Direction in Christian Counseling featuring Dr. Tim Clinton, Dr. Gary Sibcy, and Dr. Joshua Straub.

In the last decade, new brain imaging technology has shed an innovative light on the relationship between the mind and the brain. With the latest research and advancements in brain imaging, many neuroscientists now believe that the mind can literally change the brain. Built upon the latest in attachment theory and research, and anchored deeply in biblical wisdom and scholarship, this workshop shows how the underlying processes that promote brain change are largely relational and clearly describes the connection between the mind, brain, and relationships.

Please click here for the presentation.

On today’s Harvest…Dr. Joshua Straub joins us to talk about Why You Believe, Act, and Feel the Way You Do About God. Plus.. we’ll have a Charisma News update from Felicia Mann..  and we recently caught up with Stephen Mansfield who shared about his book “The of Faith of Barack Obama”. All this and more on today’s Harvest!

Click here to watch Dr. Joshua Straub on The Harvest Show

Or to visit The Harvest Show main page click here