• Home
  • About Us
    • Media
    • Contact
  • Coaching
  • Speaking
  • Our Podcast
  • Our Blog
    • Josh’s Blog
    • Christi’s Blog
    • Our Videos
  • Resources
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • RSS
    • Twitter
    • YouTube

Dr. Josh and Christi

3 Reasons We Try to Control Our Kids (and How to Let Go)

November 20, 2016 By Joshua Straub Leave a Comment

Sitting at the dentist recently was a bit painful. With my mouth wide open, my dental hygienist told me about a recent accident that took the life of her best friend’s son. He was 26.

Unable to speak and drool rolling down my face, I just listened. I prayed a silent prayer for that family.

She then told me about her three teenagers and college-aged children. Her youngest just started driving. My mind immediately assured me that my four and two-year-old were at home—safe.

Who am I kidding? As she raised the seat and I sat up, I said, “Control is such an illusion. We really have zero control over our kids no matter their age, right?” I asked, inquiring about her experience as a mom of older children.

“Josh,” she proceeded, “my boys ride motocross. I have friends who ask me how I allow my boys to do that. They’re not careless. They wear helmets and use the proper safety measures. Could we make decisions to overprotect our kids? Sure we could. But I told my children ever since the day they accepted Jesus that their names are written in the Book of Life. God knows the day He will call them home. I have no control over that. What I do have control over is stewarding their hearts well as a mother. Besides, they’re His children more than they are mine.”

Mic drop.

Did I mention how much I want to be like my dental hygienist when I grow up?

We talked further about the struggles of what this realization means practically, especially for a mother who just lost her own son. But we also acknowledged the freedom in it as well.

Here are three reasons we seek to control our kid’s lives—and how we can begin to let go.

  1. We have a poor marriage

Parents who feel disconnected from their spouse often seek emotional fulfillment and security in their kids instead.

The more kid-centered the home, the more emotionally unsafe the marriage.
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook

God’s design is for our kids to leave our family and cleave to their spouse (Genesis 2:24). Do you and your spouse have a bucket list for your empty nest years? If not, start one now. Dream together, without the kids. Start dating again, without the kids. Go on an annual vacation together, without the kids.

For some, this may sound selfish. But our kids desire and deserve our happiness. Let’s show them what a loving marriage should look like.

  1. We have unfulfilled childhood dreams we can’t let go of

I recently took our four-year-old to wrestling camp. On the way home one evening he said, “Dad, I don’t like wrestling practice.”

I was a bit sad. I didn’t start wrestling until I was 12, finishing with more losses than wins. All I heard in my head driving home that evening were the voices telling me that I need to start him young if he wants to get ahead.

For a moment, I wanted to keep him in it to see if he would come to like it. But it felt selfish. I love sport. I love competition. I love striving for excellence. But if I come to idolize it, I’ll try to control my child to complete the business I couldn’t finish.

The last thing I’ll ever do is sacrifice my relationship with my son for a state championship. I’ll take both, but never the latter at the expense of the former.

Ask yourself if you’re more invested than your kids are in their sports or activities. If you want help, ask your spouse or a close friend to be honest with you. Then, ask your kids what sports or activities they want to invest in.

Become a student of your child’s interests, not a striving worshipper trying to reach the paradise of your own.
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  1. We have no vision beyond our kids

Proverbs is clear, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” We love our family, and encourage you to love yours. But parents who have no vision for their lives beyond their kids, will exhaust themselves.

One way to gauge vision is to write down the goals and dreams you have for yourself. Beyond the marital bucket list, what do you want to accomplish? Need to finish your degree? Volunteer at the local shelter? Serve in your church? Start a business or ministry? Complete a triathlon?

When our kids become the source of our joy and happiness alone, we’re bound to be let down. So are they. To raise kids who live for something bigger than themselves, we need to show them what it means to live on purpose.

If our identity as parents is not grounded in Jesus, we’ll find something else to ground it in. For the sake our children, let’s not let it be them.

Related Posts

  • An Open Letter to Dads: What Your Wife Really NeedsAn Open Letter to Dads: What Your Wife Really Needs
  • Making Memories, Praising Struggles, and Writing Meaningful StoriesMaking Memories, Praising Struggles, and Writing Meaningful Stories
  • Why Families Should Live on Purpose, Not by AccidentWhy Families Should Live on Purpose, Not by Accident
  • #115: Multigenerational Family Teams on Mission with Jeremy and April Pryor#115: Multigenerational Family Teams on Mission with Jeremy and April Pryor
  • #131: Core Decision #5 — Set Values#131: Core Decision #5 — Set Values

Filed Under: Family, Marriage, Parenting, Spiritual Direction Tagged With: Children, control, dreams, idols, Kids, Marriage, Parenting, Purpose, vision

« 4 Ways to Show Our Kids How To Be Thankful Through the Holidays
What Are Your Family Values? [Downloadable Values List Included] »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

JOIN OTHER FUN & AMAZING FAMILIES ON OUR EMAIL LIST!

Get the weekly podcast delivered straight to your inbox!

[You are consenting to be on the Dr. Josh + Christi email list. We do not spam. We pinky swear.]

Find topics you care about

I’m looking for:

  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
Instagram post 2196321373500862286_16377459 Proverbs 10:19

#famousathome #discipline #selfcontrol #lessismore
Instagram post 2195592084505725459_16377459 This is a magnet castle I built tonight with Kennedy. It’s not the prettiest one we’ve ever built, at least in my eyes, but in her eyes—because she got to do it with daddy—oh man, this was the best castle ever!

We ran a lot this weekend. Dinner with friends one night, filming videos and working on Saturday, and two church services yesterday. Last night, I could tell they were simply longing for connection. And kids spell connection P.L.A.Y.

So today, I promised one we’d finish the LEGO train and the other a magnet castle. And it was pretty much the most epic part of my day.

The easiest parenting wins come with that 20 minutes of command-free time with our kids. Researcher Stanley Greenspan found 20 minutes to be gold for a child’s brain development. Command-free time is when we enter our kid’s world and do what they want to do.

Don’t let the busyness of the holidays rob you of the greatest gift you can give your kids—one-on-one playtime. Just 20 minutes is gold.

#playtime #famousathome
Instagram post 2194847324861958983_16377459 #famousathome
Instagram post 2194071541587539122_16377459 When we slow down and pay attention, kids teach us a lot about how to live. I love being a student of my children.

May we all progress through the Christmas season with the childlike joy and love of this little guy. This picture progression describes this boy to a T.

And yes, as you can tell by my moves, I have a lot to learn 😂
.
📸: @life.with.marion 
#childlike #joyful
Instagram post 2192637077875503232_16377459 Favorite movie and an annual Christmas staple in the Straub home. Our influence echoes beyond what we could ever imagine.

#youmaketodaybetter #famousathome
Instagram post 2191815017603516578_16377459 Nurturing the hearts under our roof isn’t always easy. But it’s the greatest privilege in the world.

#mysquad #teamstraub #famousathome .
📸: @life.with.marion
Instagram post 2190521001310109518_16377459 We just did ThanksChristmas at the most magical Christmas hotel on the planet. It’s like a Hallmark Christmas movie everyday. Oh yeah, and that’s the real Santa too! 
PS. Let me know if you need some help this year. I can try and put in a good word for you.

Copyright © 2019 · Glam Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in